South Park: Cartman's 20 Funniest Quotes (2024)

The best Eric Cartman quotes show why he's regarded by most viewers as the funniest character in South Park. Cartman represents the satirical embodiment of everything wrong with the human race, yet audiences can't help but find themselves fascinated by him. Although South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker base the characters Stan and Kyle on their own personas, they've admitted that Eric Cartman partially embodies the darkest side of them that they would never dare expose to society.

Cartman is truly one of the most interesting characters on TV, and he is so well-written that he deserves some dedication. From making one of his school bullies literally eat his own parents to campaigning to have his friend's feeding tube removed in order to get a PSP, the darkest Cartman storylines on South Park prove that the deranged fourth grader will stop at absolutely nothing to get whatever he wants — which is precisely why Cartman is so appealing. He literally has no boundaries and no moral compass to speak of, and that's why the best Cartman quotes include some of the most memorable lines in the entirety of South Park.

20 "I Would Never Let A Woman Kick My A**"

Season 1, Episode 5, "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Casual sexism is far from the worst of his crimes, though this early example of it from South Park season 1 still stands as one of the best Cartman quotes. Most of South Park season 1's "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig" was a parody of The Island of Dr. Moreau, with the bizarre Dr. Mephesto as a stand-in for Marlon Brando's Dr. Moreau. However, this particular quote from Cartman doesn't tie into the episodes plot.

Early episodes of South Park almost always started with the boys standing at the bus stop and talking about something. In this case, it was Stan showing up with a black eye. When Stan reveals that his sister Shelley is responsible for the bruising, Cartman mocks him. Not only does Cartman say he wouldn't let a woman beat him up, he goes on a rant saying he would say:

"Eh, you get your bi**h ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie."

What really made this Cartman quote so memorable is that Cartman just kept reeling off more and more increasingly-awful things he would say to the woman, each demand more ridiculous than the one before. By the end, Stan asks what Cartman is even talking about, and he explains that he is just saying, "You're just a little wuss, that's all."

19 "Anything That's Fun Costs At Least Eight Dollars"

Season 9, Episode 12, “Trapped in the Closet”

"Trapped in the Closet" is one of the most controversial South Park episodes because it made fun of Scientology and is one of the reasons Isaac Hayes quit the show after the season ended. However, it also contains one of the best Eric Cartman quotes, and in this (rare) instance, the line isn't so memorable because it's particularly offensive. In this instance, it's one of Cartman's several bizarrely specific philosophies about the way of the world, namely that there's a minimum price-tag when it comes to fun.

In "Trapped in the Closet", Stan wanted to do something fun — but free. Cartman told Stan that was ridiculous because of the law of physics. According to Cartman, it's scientific fact that anything fun has to cost at least $8. The fact that $8 is an incredibly specific amount makes this Cartman quote funny enough on its own, but his insisting that his claim was scientifically backed by the laws of physics made it all the more hilarious. Also, it becomes clear that Stan should have listened. Instead, he took a free "personality test" from Scientologists, and they offered him a spot for just $240.

18 "Hippies. They're Everywhere. They Wanna Save The Earth, But All They Do Is Smoke Pot And Smell Bad."

Season 4, Episode 6, “Cherokee Hair Tampons”

Eric Cartman is one of the most intolerant characters ever seen on screen. There's almost no minority he doesn't take chagrin with. However, many of the funniest Cartman quotes in South Park stem from his hatred of one specific subculture — hippies. In the season 4 episode "Cherokee Hair Tampons," Kyle is sick and might have kidney failure. Because his family can't afford the medical bills, they decide to try holistic medicine at a Native American New Age shop in town.

This disgusts Cartman, who shows his disdain and continued prejudice by mocking the people who go to the store, calling them "hippies" and then delivering this quote that shows what his narrow-minded views think of them and their past times. It isn't the first time that Cartman has insulted the hippy culture, but as always, Cartman's own ignorance bites him in the end when Stan tricks him into donating a kidney to save Kyle.

17 “Words Cannot Express How Much I Hate You Guys”

Season 3, Episode 14, “The Red Badge of Gayness”

It's difficult to depict his most evil or lowest moment in South Park, but there is a strong case for season 3's "The Red Badge of Gayness" showing Cartman at his absolute worst. However, as is to be expected, this also means that the episode includes one of the funniest Cartman quotes —though it's also one that doesn't quite work out of context. When the students of South Park Elementary have their annual American Civil War reenactment in "The Red Badge of Gayness", most of the kids act as a Union Army rally band.

However, when it comes time to start, Cartman comes dressed as General Robert E. Lee, and he takes on the full persona of a Confederate soldier. He then gets the Confederate re-enactors drunk on Schnapps and has them actually attack Topeka. His goal is to win the war for the South all these years later, and Cartman sends a letter to Stan and Kyle saying he will win this war and will enslave them because "I hate you guys, so very much."

16 "How Do I Reach These Kids?"

Season 12, Episode 5, "Eek, A P*nis!"

The best Cartman quotes don't always come when he's being offensive or intolerant. While Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are no strangers to being caught up in ever-escalating events due to their plans and schemes, Cartman seems to actively throw himself into them, and often comes up with alternate personas to do so. Such is the case in season 12's "Eek, A Penis", which includes a hilariously funny Cartman catchphrase when he becomes inner-city school teacher Mr. Cartmenez. In one of the most ludicrous storylines in South Park history, when the school removes Mr. Garrison from his job teaching, they ask Cartman to replace him.

Cartman has his classmates steal all the test notes and ace their next test, with the school officials deciding that Cartman is just that great of a teacher. He is then sent to an inner-city school, and utilizing a comb-over similar to Edward James Olmos in Stand and Deliver, he adopts his Mr. Cartmenez persona to teach the finer points of cheating. What makes this Cartman quote particularly funny is that it mirrors the dialogue of Olmos' Stand and Deliver character, which Mr Cartmenez repeats throughout the episode in an exasperated tone.

15 "I Kinda Always Thought You Were My Best Friend"

Season 5, Episode 13, "Kenny Dies"

Cartman is friends with Kyle, Stan, and Kenny, but he also despises them in equal measure. However, the one friend that Cartman seems to respect the least is Kenny. This is mostly because Kenny is from a family without any money, and Cartman likes to always make fun of him for his struggles. Despite that, in season 5's "Kenny Dies", Cartman suddenly says that Kenny has always been his best friend. This is, of course, a lie, as Kenny is dying and Cartman wants to use his friend's illness to get stem cell research legalized again after the government bans it.

Cartman pretends to be Kenny's closest friend and finally convinces the House of Representatives to pass a bill allowing stem cell research to save his friend's life. However, the big twist here is that Cartman doesn't use stem cell research to save Kenny — who, as he often does in South Park, dies — but somehow uses it to duplicate his favorite pizza place. This quote perfectly represents how Cartman really only cares about himself.

14 "Maybe, We All Have To Learn To Live Together"

Season 9, Episode 11, "Ginger Kids"

Season 9's "Ginger Kids" contains one of the best Cartman quotes that stands out because it's an incredibly reluctant inversion of his usual intolerance. Cartman is full of prejudice and there might not be a minority in existence that he doesn't proclaim to hate. However, it seems that he hates people with red hair almost more than anyone else, saying they suffer from "Gingervitis." To prove a point, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sneak into Cartman's bedroom when he is sleeping and dye his hair red, bleach his skin a pale color, and add tattoos of freckles on his face.

This quote comes after Cartman realizes he is now a target of all the hate speech from the kids who previously followed him. One thing that stands out about Cartman is that he is easily one to dish out insults, but when they come at him, he develops a complex and becomes overly defensive. After spending the entire episode insulting others, he decides he is one of them and says if they "exterminate everyone who isn't ginger then we're no better than they were for thinking less of us."

13 "Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home!"

Season 1, Episode 1, "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe"

Cartman has a tagline from the very first episode of South Park, and his catchphrase of "Screw you guys, I'm going home" still stands strong as one of his funniest quotes. In the South Park pilot episode, "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe," aliens abduct Cartman and — as the title suggests — perform an anal probe on him. However, no one believes him and he finally gets tired of telling his story to skeptics.

Cartman decides he has better things to do than hang around with his friends, so he simply drops in one of his most famous lines, "Screw you guys, I'm going home." He starts saying it more and more, often changing how he says it and making it one of his funniest lines. This became a catchphrase fans of the show would quote all the time in its early seasons of South Park.

12 "No, Kitty, This Is My Pot Pie..."

Season 1, Episode 1, "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe"

Another hilarious Cartman quote came in the first ever episode of South Park, and it's one that was often repeated during the show's earlier seasons. One of the running jokes in South Park about Cartman is his love of eating, which often causes his friends to make fun of him. He is also very demanding of his mother and wants to ensure he has food whenever he wants it. This starts in season 1's "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe" when Cartman is at home and gets himself some delicious pot pie. As he sits on the couch, his family cat (who is simply named "kitty") walks into the room and looks at him, letting out a low meow.

This sets off Cartman, who assumes the cat wants his pot pie. Every time the cat meows, Cartman gets angrier until he calls the kitty bad because it is his pot pie. It goes a long way to show his anger issues. This is also one of several Cartman quotes that's mainly hilarious because of the delivery, with Cartman's now-iconic voice going a lone way to making the simple phrase unforgettably funny.

11 "How About We Sing Kyle's Mom's A Stupid B**ch In D Minor"

Season 1, Episode 9, "Mister Hanky The Christmas Poo"

South Park contains several incredibly memorable musical numbers, though few are as infamous as "Kyle's Mom's A Stupid B**ch". Cartman has said a lot of bad things to people, but in the South Park season 1 episode "Mister Hanky The Christmas Poo", he references a musical number (one that was then repeated in the South Park movie). This Cartman quote and the song that followed on from it came thanks to Kyle's mother protesting the Christmas play, forcing the school to remove all mentions of Jesus and Santa from their celebrations.

Cartman, furious about the entire situation, lets Kyle know what he thinks about his mom. When Kyle gets angry, Cartman turns it into a huge song and dance number. By the end, he has all the other kids dancing and clapping with him and Mr. Garrison is even smiling. The song ends up repeated in the playground, with Kyle's mom showing up to catch Cartman in the act, but that doesn't deter him either. When Cartman gets something in his head, he doesn't let it go.

10 "Selling Out Is Sweet Because, When You Sell Out, You Get To Make A Lot Of Money."

Season 2, Episode 9, "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls"

Eric Cartman has an incredibly twisted logic and outlook on life, and some of his most hilarious South Park moments stem from his warped view of reality and morals. One of the funniest Eric Cartman quotes comes from season 2's "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls," an episode that sees the Sundance Film Festival move to South Park. In the episode, Kyle is worried about Mr. Hanky's home becoming polluted and shows Mr. Hanky to the people in charge of the movie festival.

However, they mistakenly believe this is a movie idea, prompting Cartman to sell Mr. Hanky shirts. At the end of most South Park episodes, Stan or Kyle will reveal a lesson they have learned. Of course, whenever Cartman unleashes his "morality," it is always comical and mostly offensive. At the end of the episode, Cartman spouts this hilarious quote where he explains the benefits of selling out.

9 "I'm Not Fat, I'm Festively Plump!"

Season 16, Episode 9, "Raising the Bar"

Perhaps if he wasn't so cruel to Kyle, Stan, and Kenny, his friends wouldn't throw so many digs at his weight. But he is Eric Cartman, so he kind of deserves everything that's coming to him. Throughout the series, Cartman has attempted to defend his weight as just being "big-boned" and has even been quoted saying "I'm not fat, I've just got a sweet hockey body." Either way, some of the best Eric Cartman quotes come when he tries to defend himself.

In season 16's "Raising the Bar," (one of the few Emmy-nominated episodes of South Park) Cartman admits to Kyle that he isn't big-boned or festively plump. He is just really fat. Audiences assume for a brief moment that Cartman might actually attempt to change his ways and start making more of an effort to lose weight. Instead, viewers find out he is thrilled to be "festively plump" because it means he gets to ride around everywhere in a mobility scooter and gain special privileges because of it.

8 "I Don't Make The Rules, Ma'am. I Just Think Them Up And Write Them Down."

Season 15, Episode 5, "Crack Baby Athletic Association"

Season 15's "Crack Baby Athletic Association" was another South Park installment that contained an incredibly memorable Cartman storyline that also saw him adopting a persona. Creating the Crack Baby Athletic Association is probably one of the worst things Cartman has ever done in South Park, and this of course means it led to one of the funniest Cartman quotes.

The episode sees Kyle volunteering after he is moved by a Sarah McLachlan commercial depicting babies that are born addicted to crack cocaine, but is surprised to see that Cartman is also volunteering there as well. It turns out he, Butters, Craig, and Clyde have started a business in which they make the babies fight each other. In the episode, Cartman is interviewing one of the prospective mothers of a "future crack baby", and when she protests one of his rules, he spouts off this priceless quote.

7 "In The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, A Bunch Of Hippies Walk Around And Paint Stuff."

Season 2, Episode 4, "Chickenlover"

It's no secret that Cartman cares incredibly little about his education, and there are plenty of hilarious Cartman quotes that arise from his disdain for putting in even a shred of academic effort. Such is the case with his unforgettable summary of C.S. Lewis's beloved children's novel The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, which, according to Cartman, is just a story where "a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff."

While the South Park season 2 episode "Chickenlover" isn't wholly about Cartman's botched book report, it includes an incredibly hilarious scene that shows just how far Cartman will go to cheat and manipulate the system — especially if it means not doing homework. This includes making up his own version of the book he was supposed to read for his book report while hoping Mr. Garrison will buy into it. Of course, Mr. Garrison is well aware if one of his students is spouting lies in an attempt to weasel their way through an assignment — especially when it's Cartman.

6 "I Know Enough To Exploit It."

Season 7, Episode 9, "Christian Rock Hard"

Cartman is only ever interested in something if it can provide him with a sense of power or financial gain. He has no shame in this either, as evidenced by this unforgettable Cartman quote from South Park season 7's "Christian Rock Hard". Cartman would never genuinely find interest in any given religion or organization unless it meant he'd end up swimming in cash. That's why in the episode "Christian Rock Hard," Cartman forms a Christian rock band in an effort to earn some morally gray riches.

It is one of the funniest episodes of the entire series because of Cartman's complete lack of morality and the sheer amount of hilarious quotes, such as when Stan tells him he knows nothing about Christianity, and Eric says back, "I know enough to exploit it." This ultimately gets him in a lot of trouble (as it should). If there's one thing South Park has proved, it's that it's always hilarious to see what lengths Cartman will go to in order to gain supremacy, just to see it all come crashing down at the end of each episode.

5 "I Made You Eat Your Parents."

Season 5, Episode 4, "Scott Tenorman Must Die"

By far one of the most disturbing South Park installments, the season 5 episode "Scott Tenorman Must Die" marked a huge tonal shift in not only the series but for Eric Cartman in general. In the first couple of seasons, Cartman was the overweight and foul-mouth kid who no one in the town took seriously (and they still don't), but this episode marked just how sad*stic he really is.

In this episode, Cartman is tired of being bullied by an eighth-grader named Scott Tenorman, so in one of the biggest television twists, audiences find out Cartman has made Scott eat his parents by placing their body parts in a bowl of chili during a chili cook-off. It's the ultimate example of how far Cartman will go to deal with those who wrong him, and a real picture of his overall character.

4 "I'm Your Job!"

Season 25, Episode 3, "City People"

One of the most recent memorable Cartman quotes comes from the season 25 episode "City People," and it's the perfect personification of Cartman's character. In the episode, Mrs. Cartman decides that she needs to get a new job because the recent real estate boom in South Park has caused their rent to go up. Utterly distraught that his mother's attention will be taken away from him, Cartman desperately tells her, "I'm your job!"

Mrs. Cartman gets a job anyway, as a real estate agent, so Eric retaliates by getting the same job and outselling her brokerage to the influx of city people that are moving to the area. It's a low blow, even for Cartman. However, he does get his just desserts in the end, as thanks to him, the entire market collapses, and the Cartmans are forced to buy a defunct hot dog restaurant to live in.

3 "Was It Worth It? Totally..."

Season 7, Episode 11, "Casa Bonita"

If there was ever a moment and accompanying quote that shows just how limitless Cartman's selfishness and disregard for others truly is, it's when he's willing to spread panic throughout his entire town just so he can get an invitation to a birthday party at his favorite restaraunt. When Kyle doesn't invite Cartman to his birthday in the classic South Park episode "Casa Bonita" (which is full of classic moments) and decides to take Butters instead.

Cartman manipulates Butters into thinking the world is about to end, so he makes Butters hide in a bomb shelter so that he misses Kyle's party and Cartman can get invited Kyle's party at Casa Bonita in his absence. Of course, one of the most predictable Eric Cartman quotes proves that doesn't regret a thing he has done because he gets to enjoy the restaurant, which he considers to be "Mexican Disneyland."

2 "Respect My Authoritah!"

Season 2, Episode 4, "Chickenlover"

This is one of the most well-known Cartman quotes, and for a good reason. It's repeated several times throughout South Park, and is one of the earliest examples of how Cartman adopting a persona makes him somehow even funnier. The first time it comes about is in the season 2 episode "Chickenlover" where Cartman acts as a police officer and demands that people respect his authority.

He beats people with his baton and takes advantage of his position in power by torturing all those around him. The funniest part is his accent, where he can't properly pronounce basic words such as "authority." His strange pronunciation of words is finally addressed in the Season 15 episode "The Poor Kid" where Kyle classically tells Cartman, "My name is not Kyeel."

1 "Kyle, You Really Think I Would Spend 40 Years Of My Life Just To Get A Rise Out Of You?"

Season 24, Episode 3, "Post COVID"

The South Park "Post COVID" special is set 40-odd years in the future when the pandemic is finally waning, and it contains easily one of the funniest Cartman quotes in the entire show. The episode sees the four boys, now adults, reuniting at Kenny's funeral after his mysterious death as a scientist studying the Coronavirus. However, what Kyle is especially shocked to see is that an adult Eric Cartman has converted to Judaism and is now a rabbi with a Jewish family. Kyle, of course, suspects that this is all an act.

This is when one of the funniest Eric Cartman quotes comes into play, as he says, "Kyle, you really think I would spend 40 years of my life just to get a rise out of you?" The quote is hysterical because, yes, both audiences and Kyle believe that Cartman would stoop so low just to get on Kyle's nerves. However, it actually turns out his life as a converted rabbi isn't just for show, in an interesting South Park twist.

South Park

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Beginning in 1997, South Park has become one of the most successful and popular adult animations ever. The five-time Emmy-winning series follows Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Kyle Broflovski, and Kenny McCormick, as they find themselves in unbelievable situations in South Park, Colorado, while trying to navigate the world as fourth graders.

Cast

Trey Parker , Matt Stone

Seasons

26

Network

Comedy Central

Showrunner

Trey Parker

Main Genre

Comedy