I tossed the ball in the air, reached my racket back, and missed the ball. This was about the 30th time I’d thrown the ball in the air to serve, but had been unsuccessful. I wanted to give up and throw the racket down. Josh kept saying, “keep your head up.” This was in regards to watching the racket and the ball make contact. In my mind it meant keep fighting even though the negative thoughts about not being good enough were creeping in. Tennis today felt off. I knew why, it was because I was on a court where I felt exposed. My mind raced that people were watching me and my terrible shots. Of course, every time I missed I deflected my mistake by making a joke.
The problem with my serve was hesitation. I hesitate before I hit the ball because I’m afraid of doing it wrong, afraid of feeling like a fool, and afraid to try. Why is it when we learn something new we’re terrified of failure? We don’t want to put ourselves in a situation that is unfamiliar because we’re afraid others will see our faults.
I knew I had to keep trying to serve. Thank goodness I have a supportive husband. I probably hit 100 serves tonight, but it finally started to make sense. It’s not perfect, but it’s something I have to continue to work at. My experience today reminded me that at this moment in my life things are new, terrifying, and in a constant state of change. I’m terrified of failure and people thinking I’m not good enough. The thing is I have to keep pushing myself to be the best and not listening to the fear. I know it’s held me back from meeting people, from being a better photographer, and from being myself.
I’m going to keep throwing that ball in the air and reaching for it. It’s not always going to be successful, but I’m trying, I’m fighting and I’m learning every step of the way.
Murray and Pearl. I’m not sure why Murray looks scared but he is a little weird.
Leah Bockelman - Simply lovely, as always!