Julie Branyan Photography

I’m a planner, organizer, list, and simple person. Lately life has not been following my plans or listening to the fact that I wrote a list specifically in order for my goals to be accomplished by now. It can be exhausting and infuriating when my life has a plan of its own. I’ve felt like I’ve screwed up, like I’m not where other people are at my age.  It makes me wonder, what happened to me?  Did my parents drop me one too many times on the marble floor of our apartment?

I’ve never been the best person to handle change and the unknown. I fear change and have spent most of my life avoiding it. I force myself into difficult situations to see how I’ll react. Stepping on a plane to Japan this year I had an anxiety attack. I was panicked. When I finally arrived after a long flight I got off the plane feeling confident. My goal was to find my train and then find my hotel. It was easy in theory. Buying my ticket, changing money, and getting on the train were all easier then I expected. I spoke no Japanese, but the people were friendly and helped me feel comfortable. When I arrived at my stop, I walked out of the station and was lost. I wanted to cry. I stood there, looked at my map and thought, “come on, this is supposed to be easy.”

I walked back into the station and asked for directions. The problem was I didn’t understand a word she said. I attempted to follow the directions which led me to a big store with tons of noise and all my luggage. I felt alone. The type of alone where you want to click your heals and magically return home. I walked back the way I came and took a taxi the whole 5 blocks to my hotel. When I finally arrived at my hotel I felt defeated. I was tired from the trip, overwhelmed by the world of differences and wanted to go home.

When I finally got to my room I stayed there and avoided the outside world. I ate Luna bars for breakfast, lunch and dinner (part of the reason I can’t stand them now). I was unsure of what I was doing there. There were so many people, a lot of noise, and I didn’t want to go outside. When I finally emerged from my room a day later I figured out the subway, found food at a noodle bar, and found a convenience store. I felt accomplished, like I’d defeated the big giant monster who stood in my way. At that moment I could do anything.

Right now I feel like I did that first day in Japan, but the problem is every time I take a step outside my room something is in my way. I’m caught up in what is not happening with my life and not focused on the positive. I hate that things are not as I expected.  I want to feel that sense of accomplishment, that everything is ok, and remember these battles are part of life. Everyday I’m learning to adjust to my new “normal,” it always takes time. I think I forget that I’m human and things do not happen overnight. One day I will defeat what is in front of me, but for now I’m snacking on Luna bars trying to figure out my next plan of attack.

This photo is of my friend Megan. While I was in Omaha I wanted to have a shoot just for me and she was kind enough to be my model. I haven’t had a chance to work on the images yet. I’ll share as soon as I’m done.